Alsie's story
- Oct 24, 2024
- 4 min read
Alsie has kindly agreed to share her story with us. Below she speaks about her diagnosis journey, challenges, strengths, and what helps her day-to-day.
"You are FINE. Stop being so hard on yourself and just go with the flow. Things will be okay, trust me."
How did you find out you are autistic?
I’ve had suggestions of autism follow me since I was little. Back then, I found the word scary and a suggestion that I was stupid and incapable – so I ran away from it at any chance. There are about three major occasions where I was attempted to be diagnosed through my childhood, all of which I failed the criteria with flying colours. Kudos to my acting talents and drive to be accepted.
I started leaning into it more when my differences became clearer in my adulthood. People seemed to question me about my learning styles and the fact I seemed to handle things from different angles than others. I found it strange but mostly ignored it. When I had a quarter-life crisis when I was twenty (about four years ago now), there were two people I worked with that I found out were diagnosed autistics. When they talked about their struggles and perspectives, it felt like I had finally found my people. It took me a while to shake off the “stupid” label that I had associated with ASD all this time, but I’ve learnt to embrace the strengths and talents that come with being autistic.
How did you feel about it at the time, and has that changed since?
The initial shock of trying to accept you are autistic is surreal. The negative traits usually associated with Autism hit me like a truck and I had to educate myself to let myself know it didn’t make me horrible or subhuman. I had to learn to work through my bitterness towards neurotypicals for having it “easier” in life and let myself know that Autism is simply a differently structured brain and nothing less. I love myself a lot more now because I can embrace who I am and not work against myself to fit in with society. It’s allowed ME to take the reigns on my own life and not to peer pressure.
Do you wish you’d been diagnosed earlier in life?
I think if I knew earlier, I would’ve loved myself more and probably learnt how to work with it. School was a constant struggle for me, and I knew I was different – but others easily attributed my traits to stubbornness, shyness, and insecurity. The number of times I wanted to drop out but didn’t because it made me feel like I was a failure was strong. If I had spent less time in a battle with myself trying to “keep up” with everyone else, life would’ve been THAT much easier. Sadly, the model of autism in the 2000s when I was young was very rigid. You usually had to have big enough disabilities to even be noticed or they thought you were just trying to get special treatment.
What is one thing you wish you could tell your pre-diagnosis self?
You are FINE. Stop being so hard on yourself and just go with the flow. Things will be okay, trust me.
What are some things you find difficult day-to-day?
I work in a supermarket in the checkouts department currently, which isn’t the BEST place for an autistic, but my store is very supportive of their employees, so I’ve found my place quite snugly there for now. At times I can be very sensitive to loud sounds or a lot of sounds at once. This can make it difficult for me to hear customers during busy periods since I’m naturally tuned into everything. Other times I’ll be so tuned into a customer, I won’t hear anything else. I’ve had people think I was deaf because of this trait.
I’m also prone to emotional overwhelm. If I take in a lot for one day, it’s like my emotions become twisted up in each other and I must get myself somewhere quiet to re-organise them. I have to work out how I really feel or If I’ve just picked up someone else’s baggage. Being highly sensitive is great for helping people but not if you’re not being kind to yourself. Being quite social and kind, but also introverted and hardworking puts me into some bad situations.
What do you do to help yourself with those things?
Writing has always been my comfort and assistance with burnout and overwhelming emotions. Throwing everything out on a page and reading it back helps everything just make sense. It was also one of the only ways I felt understood since most people just dismissed me as dramatic and told me to “chill out”. I have a huge amount of childhood journals full of venting because of this.
Music and calming activities have also been a big help to my mental health too. Nowadays I have built a good support system of friends and family since my discovery. Now they are better equipped with the knowledge to help me. Talks over coffee and lunch with a buddy is also my favourite form of therapy.
Is there anything autism helps you do better?
I think autism is the main reason why I am so understanding of others. When you’ve hit rock bottom, you just get it when others come to you with their own life problems. I have been told I make people feel “safe” and “relaxed” because if you tell me the wildest things about your life, it doesn’t bother me. (Unless you’re like, a convicted criminal, obviously.)
Autism has also made me incredibly resilient as I had to work hard just to live life. When everyone told me I was overly emotional, I had to prove to them I was so much more than that. While this was just unnecessary people-pleasing when I look back on it, I’m still proud I stood my ground.
Do you have any special interests?
I love animals, plants, music, and writing. At the moment I have been filling my home with houseplants. I developed a special interest in WWII when I was eleven where I was shown the story of Anne Frank at school, so I’ve been obsessed with history ever since. I also love psychology as it allows me to get inside the human mind and learn how people tick.
Thanks, Alsie, for sharing your story with us.
Lauren x
