Results from our socialising survey

The results from our socialising survey are in!

These are the main themes, with more detail further down the page:

• There is not always an "easy" way to socialise, but there are "easier" ways

• So, managing the impact of interacting, as well as the total number of interactions, might be helpful

• Familiarity, clarity, structure, and less pressure to mask are all important for making interactions easier

• Removing as many unknowns as possible helps prepare for socialising

• Alone time helps with recovery

Thank you to everyone who responded. Our survey on autistic burnout showed that socialising was the biggest burnout trigger, so we wanted to find out more.

Twelve people shared their experiences of socialising - including what makes it difficult and what can make it easier.

If you'd like to get notified about future surveys, add yourself to the mailing list using the form at the bottom of this page.

All our other socialising-related content can be found here.

Below, I've summarised the responses in full. Click the arrow next to a question to expand and see the results:

Which kinds of interaction take a lot of energy?

Everyone said that phone calls and video calls take a lot of energy. The next most common response type was in-person interactions outside of the home (specifically, in someone else's home, or out in public). More than half of the respondents found every listed type of interaction energy-sapping. Emails and in-person interaction at home the least so. This suggests there may not be an "easy" way to interact, but there may be "easier" methods for some. So, overall, it is more about managing the impact and the number of interactions rather than there being an easy fix. (No huge surprises there!) A few people have asked for information on how to handle having lots of workplace interactions, so I'll mention that here. "Thing 6" at the end of this article talks about questions that help me to reduce the number of meetings I have at work. Some can definitely apply to social interaction in general. E.g. adjusting the type of interaction, delaying it, ditching it, or making it shorter. Further down we'll see how respondents manage the impact of interactions. The graph here shows which types of interaction respondents say take the most energy (e.g. 100% of respondents said phone calls take a lot of energy).

What things make social interaction harder or easier?

We asked about which things make interactions harder, and which things make them easier. These tended to be opposites, so I'll report them together. In order of total number of mentions...

How familiar the people are New/less familiar people take more energy. Familiar people make things easier. (12 total mentions) How clear the plan is Unclear plans including not knowing who will attend make things harder. Clear plans including fixed start and end times or a predictable pattern of events make things easier. (10 total mentions) Sensory environment Busy, loud, or bright places are harder. Locations that are easier on the senses and making adjustments like headphones or comfortable clothes can make things easier. (10 total mentions) Pressure to mask or conform Pressure to mask, act a certain way, having to do small talk, or generally a fear of judgement all make things harder. Social situations are easier where there is no pressure to mask or fear of judgement, and no pressure to do small talk. (9 total mentions) A few examples from respondents:

• "No requirement to circulate and socialising with people who understand my sensitivities"

• "Someone I can be honest with about how I'm feeling"

• "A known topic that we have in common"

• "Direct communication, no small talk"

Size of the group Large groups are harder. Small groups or one-to-one interactions are easier. (8 total mentions) Familiarity of the location New places make it harder. Familiar places are easier. (8 total mentions) How structured the activity is Unstructured activities are harder. Structured activities are easier. One example given was that sitting in a pub feels less structured than going for a sit-down meal. (5 total mentions) Other mentions These were mentioned by fewer people, but I want to make sure everyone's thoughts are captured, because different things will resonate with different people! Things that make socialising harder:

• Changes to the plan

• Needing to travel

• Multiple interactions at once (e.g. if several people happen to message at similar times about different things)

• Not having an escape plan or not being in control of how to leave

• Not having enough rest
  

Things that make socialising easier:

• A familiar activity

• Not going out

• Having a backup plan

• Texting instead of talking

• Making sure to be on time

What things help you prepare for socialising?

Almost all of these could be summarised as "removing unknowns". I've certainly had that thought before some social events... What variables can I remove? What can I turn from a "what if?" into a "this is exactly what is going to happen"... How many more times can I look at all these photos on Google Maps before they are burned into my brain forever?!? (Kidding... kind of). In order of most mentions, here is what respondents listed as helpful in preparing for a social interaction:

• Work out a plan to leave e.g. how, when, "excuses" to leave (6 mentions)

• Plan in resting or recovery time (5 mentions)

• Prepare travel plans (5 mentions)

• Prepare things to talk about, remember facts about people who will be there (5 mentions)

• Ask questions e.g. who will be there, what will happen (3 mentions)

• Research the venue if it's new, including picking out meals if relevant (3 mentions)

• Limit the number of interactions, or cancel (3 mentions)

• Physically prepare e.g. what to wear, what to bring, shower (3 mentions)

• Bring coping strategies (1 mention)

• Eat light (1 mention)

• Tell partner what not to mention (1 mention)

What things help you recover after socialising?

As with the burnout survey most of this centres around alone time.

In order of most mentions, here is what respondents listed as helpful in recovering from a social interaction:

• TV, especially something familiar (5 mentions)

• Sleep (4 mentions)

• Rest (4 mentions)

• Pets (4 mentions)

• Being alone (3 mentions)

• Sensory comforts e.g. smells, clothing, stimming (3 mentions)

• Reading (2 mentions)

• No plans afterwards (2 mentions)

• Spend time with familiar people who don't demand much (1 mention)

• Bath (1 mention)

• Gaming (1 mention)

• Crocheting (1 mention)

• Music (1 mention)

• Crying (1 mention)

• Processing time between social interaction and bed (1 mention)

• No need to recover if it's been friends/a familiar place (1 mention)

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Some reflections

As with the burnout survey, reading the results felt validating, because it all sounds so familiar.

Going through these results also struck me with a bit of sadness, however.

Reading about everything people do to prepare for socialising, to recover afterwards. How difficult it can be even in spite of all of that. Putting in a load of extra effort to do things that most people wouldn't even have to think about.

Feeling this way about these oh-so-familiar-sounding responses has reminded me to turn some compassion inward.

I want to try and work out the situations that are causing me to do extra preparation. To spot the people who make me feel pressured to mask or join in with things that exhaust me. And then spend less time on both.

Lauren x